Isaiah 55:8-9
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."
This verse is one of my absolute favorites. It shows us that God's plan is way better than we can ever imagine. It causes us to trust in God with our lives instead of putting it into our own plans. The topic of God changing hearts has been on my mind a lot this week as I reflect back in my journals. Different friend groups, new and ever changing convictions toward relationships and liberties, changes in career paths, and the constant trials of life have all made me look back and see how much God has changed my heart. I'd like to say that I've matured a lot through these changes, but I don't think I can honestly write that knowing I might laugh at myself reading this post 10 years from now. I am so glad for the constant changes in paths and struggles the Lord puts us through because it really helps us see his plans more clearly.
One example of this would be my thrill of a college ride so far. When I graduated high school, I was an immature 17 year old girl who didn't know what she wanted to do with her life. (Not that 20 really helps with that at all, either.) Many people told me I'd be good at something that had to do with caring for others. My second mother, Mrs. Adams, told me she'd be happy with whatever I chose but only if it involved people. Although she wanted me with people, she subtly hinted at nursing. Through many clear signs pointing to nursing, I decided to choose that path. I got accepted into a few schools with some really nice scholarship offers. My head grew bigger and bigger. Nursing was what God had for me, I'd graduate with a 4.0, have little loans to pay off after graduation, and absolutely love the field. Wrong. My second semester I was enrolled in Anatomy and had such a struggle understanding it. Not only was Anatomy scary, but the thought of 3.5 more years of classes similar if not harder terrified me. I was a good student, so why was nursing so challenging for me? God could not have picked a better thing to rip out of my hands because it really caused me to be at my breaking point. Anyone who was involved in this process can vouch for the fact that it was one of my lowest times. Over the course of 3 or 4 weeks in praying and making my decision, I suffered from horrible anxiety attacks. After I'd finally stop crying, I'd start all over again. Sleep became my best friend because it took more hours of suffering out of my day. I tried to pray through the pain and keep my mind off of it, but talking to people about their major choices was always brought up by my need for clarity. It was a season of darkness I never EVER want to experience ever again. Anxiety takes over your entire body, but it also attacks your mind. Satan filled my mind with a whole lot of lies that month of unworthiness, low self-esteem, and no hope in a future. It may seem silly to you, but changing majors was honestly the end of the world for me. Nursing was all I'd ever wanted in life (or so I thought.)
I think Anatomy was what triggered my feelings for changing majors, but I also think God had a strange but sovereign plan in having my uncle in the hospital that same week after he suffered a severe heart attack. As I sat in the waiting room and watched nurses flying around checking vitals and administering medicine, I thought "How could I do this for the rest of my life?" Me? Me: the girl who hates throw up, the lifeguard who prays every time she gets on stand because she's terrified of saving someone, and the girl who hates the thought of anyone dying. The anxieties kicked in more. As I sat in the waiting room with 10 or 15 different family members, they could tell something was really bothering me apart from my uncle's health. I don't remember who, but someone asked me how school was. That was it. I had JUST come out of an Anatomy test before I got there and all the feelings came back. I began sobbing, not crying, but sobbing, in the lobby. My family talked to me and explained to me how many people change majors and change paths. I mean, I was only 18 for Pete's sake...
I felt God slowly calling me to education and specifically special education. That week of decision, I went to the Paul Miller Praying Life seminar we had at church. I learned how to pray to God like a child, weary and completely trusting in him. It was so helpful to me to have these opportunities of prayer for clarity and direction. When I had finally felt at peace as the seminar went on, Paul had his daughter, Kim, share her battles with prayer. Kim has autism and used assistive technology to speak to us through her computer. Tears welled up in my eyes. How on earth was I to know God would have a Godly woman with special needs speak to us. I immediately felt peace about my decision and later changed majors that week.
Through much prayer and God opening up new windows, I decided education was right for me. It gave me that level of care I wanted to give, the opportunity to deal with children who weren't sick or dying, and a perfect future mom job with summers off. Over the past 2 years I have loved my new major and feel more at peace about it everyday. I can't write this without admitting the tears came out through writing this. Just reflecting back to the work God's done in my short life brings joy to me knowing he's here. Thankfully the pain is only a memory, but it's a memory I never want to forget. It's the power of God breaking through my selfishness of planning my own future and not even seeking God's will first. I couldn't be more thankful for that experience, though I know I wouldn't have admitted that then. And quite honestly, the jokes about me "failing out of nursing school" really used to push me over the edge. It wasn't true at all considering I had a 3.5 GPA. People shouldn't make fun or judge you for the plans God has for you. But, through growing up a little, I can look back and laugh with them because if God didn't first break me, I wouldn't be this strong. I'd still be stuck in nursing classes hating life.
One more thing that truly touched my heart was a recent drawing of mine I found from kindergarten. It was a drawing of a teacher saying "I want to be a teacher when I grow up." I can't help but smile when I see that. God knew these plans while I was a little kindergartner. Heck, he knew these plans for me before the world began! God's plans are so much better than we can ever imagine! This trial gives me hope when I have the temptation to doubt God for a future relationship, job, or finances. But, I know that God works all things out for those whom he loves!
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